Press Release -1994
Cape Canaveral, Florida, August 24, 1994 -- At 5:14 AM this morning, the Badge of Quality
Corporation launched the first of its own private telecommunications satellites. In what is
expected to be the first of 24 such launches, the satellite was successfully deployed in
geosynchronous orbit and following some early glitches, all systems were pronounced operational
by Badge of Quality spokesperson, Mr. Milk Bottle. When asked about the bottle shapes of the
launch vehicle and satellite, and whether this was yet another clever publicity move by the
Badge to impress its logo-form on the public consciousness, Bottle replied: "I don't know."
Des Moines, Iowa, April 1, 1948 --Entertainment giant Badge of Quality Corporation opened its
headquarters today with characteristic hoopla and fanfare. Present was Harry S Studebaker,
President and CEO of the Badge. Studebaker was accompanied by Mr. Milk Bottle, spokesperson for
the Badge, a cast of thousands of happy workers, high school marching bands, and cheerleaders.
The Milk Bottle Industrial Complex, as the headquarters is known, is a colossal structure ten
miles high, ten miles wide, and ten miles deep that is curiously reminiscent of Mr. Milk Bottle,
himself. When asked about the bottle shape of the Milk Bottle Industrial Complex, and whether
this was yet another clever publicity move by the Badge to impress its logo-form on the public
consciousness, Bottle replied: "I don't know. Following the long, grim war years, I think
America and the world are ready for some fun, don't you? I am, and in fact, I'm going out into
Grand Avenue right now, and lead that marching band! I love a parade!"
MR. MILK BOTTLE CRUSHED IN ACCIDENT!!! -- New York City, June 14, 1939 -- Famed Civil War hero,
Mr. Milk Bottle, was crushed by a steamroller today in an apparently freak accident. Eye witness
accounts of the gruesome incident varied. Some said that Mr. Milk Bottle was driving the
steamroller and having a high old time when he was suddenly thrown from the machine's driver
seat and wound up under the roller. Others said Mr. Milk Bottle heroically threw himself in front
of a runaway steamroller driven by a Red Baseball in order to save four year old Flossie
Beasley, who was playing stickball in the street with her friends. Whatever actually happened,
all agreed that the sound of glass being crushed would remain with them the rest of their lives.
At the Corning, New York Glass Reconstruction Center, where Mr. Milk Bottle was painstakingly
being reassembled, the shadowy and reclusive financeer, inventor and Hollywood impressario Harry
S Studebaker vowed "that if he pulls through this, and I think he will 'cause he's a tough kid,
Mr. Milk Bottle is going to have a new job, a new role, a...a corporate identity...something no
one's ever seen before!" What the shadowy, brooding figure of Harry S Studebaker has to do with
this terrible misfortune, or why he was even in the area at the time, has yet to be determined.
Meanwhile, Flossie Beasley is back playing stickball in the street with her friends, but no one
has been able to shed any light on Red Baseball.